B-days. Not birthdays - back hole days when all my stomach wants is this, that and a bucket full of everything (gluten free) within a thirty mile radius.
Sometimes, it's easy for me to throw a temper tantrum at my own body. Just a few days ago, I called Mom crying as I stared at the beyond-bloated tummy in the mirror. And, a day into unstoppable hunger, it's easy to think back at all the snacks I've stuffed in my face and worry.
Is this normal? Eating half of my dinner at 2 in the afternoon after scarfing down 3 pieces of a pizza only an hour before? Girls around me tend to go hours between meals - and sometimes I can do that too. But other times, I feel like the Cookie Monster has snuck into my body and chosen to stay.
Is this healthy? I know it's good to gain weight - I've dreamed of budging the scale's arrow for almost a year now. But, the sudden gain of the Freshman 15 is still shocking. I like being healthier, but no one enjoys losing a favorite pair of jeans to a too-tight waistband. I'm happy with the changes, but it still takes time to readjust to the new Casey in the mirror.
Is this permanent? This is one question that has popped up time and time again since Celiac and Casey first met. Will I never be able to eat gluten? Yep. What about dairy? Maybe. Will I gain weight? Eventually.
As I nibble on the sweet potato wedges designated for dinner and finish off the Coconut Greek yogurt can chilling in the fridge, I try to treat that question as I've treated all the others.
With patience, knowing that, just like with all the other forms of healing from celiac, regulating my appetite will take time.
With acceptance. Yes, sometimes my hunger isn't "normal." Yes, some days I'll eat a ridiculous amount of food. Yes, I'm finally gaining health and weight and all the changes in body image that go along with those.
And, most importantly, with hope because this is me. This is my body working its hardest to heal, strengthen and transform into a kick butt machine. (Cause isn't that what every little girl wants to grow up to be?)
So, yep, this is my third bliss ball today. After the banana nice cream and pound of toppings breakfast, pizza lunch, yogurt, and baked fries snackage. All before dinner. Looks yummy, don't it?
Do you ever have days of never-ending hunger? How did you learn to trust your body's hunger cues? Comment below!